Dear Monster,
Your father and I are making some big decisions here in the next few weeks about having someone come take care of you twice a week so that I can go back to work. This is not an easy decision but please know that whatever we decide, it's in your very best interest. We wouldn't do it otherwise.
~~~
Good morning readers! I am having a Worried Wednesday. Obviously, as a parent, you want what is best for your child. Today I am learning that knowing that you WANT the best and knowing what IS the best, are two very different things. Let me preface this debate by saying that me being a full-time Stay-At-Home-Mom is not a possibility for us financially. Right now I work 2 days a week and Sean works the other 5 so that one of us is always home with Liam.
The great debate has finally happened in my house. Return to work full-time or stay part-time and be home with Liam 5 days a week. This question was recently made much harder because my boss offered me the promotion of my dreams. It is, quite literally, my dream job (besides being a Stay-At-Home-Mom, of course) and it is, quite literally, being handed to me. I have busted my rump for 4+ years to get this dream job. Everyday that I worked I would tell myself that all the crap was worth it because someday someone would recognize what I was doing and how well I was doing it and they would ask what I wanted and I would shout it from the rooftops!! Well, that day has finally come...and I am torn.
Side A: Part-Time Work/Part-Time Stay-At-Home-Mom
I ADORE my child. He is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Hands down. Every moment with him is an absolute miracle (though some miracles tend to be more frustrating than others) and growing and learning with him are my two favorite things in the whole world. Sean and I have seen this child through so very many hard times and I feel like things are finally back on track for him to become a normal, healthy, happy monster. I feel like I can finally enjoy his normal developmental stages like eating solid foods, touching his toes, and babbling on and on. I can finally do all of these things without worrying if he is going to live through the night, what testing needs to be done tomorrow, and who his care givers will be throughout the day. I feel like we are back on track to being a normal family and all I want to do it wallow in this wonderful miracle of my life. I want to do Mommy dates. I want to know every single thing my child does all day. I want to be there for every single development. I want my child to know his mother loves him and that I will ALWAYS be there for him. I know that this is all possible while being a working mom too but I feel like I would have a closer and more solid relationship with my kiddo as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. I love our cuddle days, our grumpy days, and even our teething days. I've actually started to enjoy house work (***GASP***) and I have everything on a nice, neat schedule right now. I love that my husband gets to come home to a clean house (most days) and a happy, healthy family. I love that I am the runner of the household and that things run smoothly (most days). I love being able to vent and bond with people on my blog, and that I have an awesome support system of Mommy Helpers in all of my friends here in Colorado and in my fellow-Mommies on CafeMom. I feel like if I wasn't home as often as I am I wouldn't have time for all of the wonderful things I have come to love about my life recently. I worry that I would become more stressed and angry and possibly resentful of not being able to be home, where I feel like I belong.
Side B: Working-Mom
I ADORE being able to provide for my child. I love that I have knowledge to give him. That there is something substantial about me that will someday fascinate him. I look forward to "Take Your Child to Work" days (wait...do they still do those?). I look forward to Career Day at Liam's school. I love that we will have extra money around the house to buy him things that he needs for his development and fun. Liam will only be watched by someone else 2 days a week. The other 5, either Sean or I will be home with him. Me working 4 days a week will even out how much time each of us spends with Liam. This will be a positive step because right now I see him the most and you can tell that there are days when Sean wishes our positions could be switched. This way, it's all even. But I also know that it will be rough because there will be days when I come home and I am completely exhausted and Sean is completely exhausted but one of us has to stay up. I know that Liam struggles with new people feeding him. He doesn't scream or cry but he definitely KNOWS that it's not Mom or Dad taking care of him. It hurts my heart that someone else may get to see his first steps, his first words, or his first true response to something like sign language. I know all of this but I know that it is important for me to be someone other than just Mom. To have substance to who I am. To have the ability to morph from Mom to Wife to Courtney at the drop of a hat means that I will be a well adjusted human being. To continue my education and to continue to, not just grow, but THRIVE in my career have always been important to me. I know it's important to have something of myself to reflect back on once Liam is out of the house. I know it's important to bring new and exciting things to the table in my relationships with my son, my husband, my family, and my friends. I feel like I could accomplish all of these things by returning back to work and continuing my career.
Answer: I have no freaking idea what is best for my family. I never thought it would be this hard. I figured I'd pop Liam out, hang out with him for about 12 weeks then return to work full-time while Liam was at day care. :dusts hands and walks away:
*sigh* That, my friends, is just not how things are playing out. Trying to find someone to watch my child is STRESSFUL. I trust NO ONE! The two days a week that I work I am checking our BabyESP app at EVERY possible moment to see what's going on and that's just when he's home with his own father! I can't even imaging how I'm going to act when he's being taken care of by a stranger! Liam is constantly in the back of my head and when I get home it is sweet relief every time. Not easy. Not simple. Not anything like I thought it would be. But there are two sides to every coin and I need to truly decide what's best for me, my son, and my husband. No one else. Just us. You'd think that figuring out the best option for 3 little people would be a hell of a lot easier than this.
So what do you all think? What do you prefer? What would you chose? Any advice for this stressed-out, guilt-ridden, over-thinking mother?
Is there anything going on in your life that is causing you to have a Worried Wednesday?
Courtney, I have had to work while raising my kids to. Yes it's tough but you have to do what is best for you. If this new position does not flow well than ask to go part time again. They will understand. I too worked two days a week while Mishalia watched Andrew and yes it was tough. But I needed to become Monique again. I found something I really enjoyed doing. Good luck with your decision. I wish I could be there to help you out with watch Liam.
ReplyDeleteSissy,
ReplyDeletemy dream....in the more recent years has been to have a husband that can provide for our family while I stay at home and take care of our children and make my husband happy. women's rights activists would have a field day with my dream. It has little to do with the way I was raised....my parents told me I could do anything I wanted but the fact I always had my mom around when I needed her did have a huge impact on my dream. I understand how hard this decision is for you...even from 300 miles away I can see how much your son means to you and how much you want to be with him every minute of his life.
I know I'm not in your shoes and I'm not a mom yet and I'm not married yet but the best advice I can give you is to trust your heart. If you can't find someone you trust to watch Liam then take it as a sign that you are supposed to be home with him, not at work full time. Remember that if this opportunity has come up now there is a great chance it will come up again in 4 or 5 years when Liam is in school. something you have to remember is what you feel is best right now doesn't mean you can't change things around when he's in school or even just old enough to understand why someone other than mommy and daddy are with him. but you have to trust your heart and do what you feel is best. remember that you can change your mind back if it doesn't feel right, if you can't give your job 100% because your are worried about Liam then it's not worth it anyway.
I love you and you know I'm always here. I will do everything I can to help you from here and help you out this summer over there if I can. you are a great mom and you and Sean will make the decision you feel is best for all of you. <3<3<3
Oh man, Court, this is a tough one. I have NO idea what to suggest for you to do, to tell you what I would do in your shoes, I have no clue. I am blessed with being able to stay home and have no idea what I would do if I had to leave Jonah with someone. I think (and this is just my opinion) that you will enjoy working full-time, but it will always be hard to leave your sweet kiddo. I'm definitely going to start working when our kids are in school, but probably not until then. If I can...I would watch Liam in a frigging heartbeat if you were closer. Literally, hands down, no questions asked, super cheap...I'd do it. But Denver is a little far. :( I so wish I could though. But, I WILL be praying that someone special comes along your way and is the perfect match for watching Liam!! Until then, I'll be wracking my brain for some idea of the "perfect" thing to tell you
ReplyDelete! ;) Love yah and you'll figure it out. You have to...right?!
Well.... you know my thoughts on this as you have heard them for your whole life. The most important thing is to find the balance. You are very smart and thoughtful individual, wife and mom. Your thinking has been changing in this last year, you have become more rational, and calm. Even though it may not seem like it on the outside, I have seen the change.
ReplyDeleteIt is never easy to find someone to watch your child. It never was for me. You were watched by people from the time you were 18 months. It was excruciating to have to work part time, and put myself through school full time, AND be a single parent. BUT.... what do you remember about it? Seriously? Did you ever feel alone or threatened or scared? You find the right people, I don't know, but you do.
Before you say anything I KNOW Liam is much younger, and in ways more fragile, that you ever were, so I can't speak to what you should or shouldn't do. Its not my place. As you indicated, this really is a decision that only YOU, SEANY and the tiny man can make. Here are a few things that I remember:
1) you WILL feel guilty, no matter what decision you make. Guilty for leaving your son if you find a sitter and go back to work, or guilty if you desert your dream and the chance to do what you have always wanted. Once you can accept that no matter what you do you will feel guilty, it kind of levels the playing feel on the decision end, and you just accept it as an emotion you will work through every day.
2) The first time you leave him with strangers, you will get out the door, and get to your car and cry. Its natural. You feel like you are abandoning him, and you worry what he will think and feel. How can you not? He is your flesh and blood. Having a child makes you a mama bear in ways and propotions you never knew that you would be. Again normal.
3) Your child will react to how you are reacting. If you are hesitant and halting, and upset, you send off those vibes, and even at the tiny mans age, he WILL pick up on that, and somehow in his tiny man brain, he will process that maybe HE should be worried too. Don't do that to either of yourselves. If you make your decision to do this, walk confidently in what you do....again when you get to your car you can fall apart and scream and be angry. Never in front of the tiny man. He takes his cues from you.
4) you will check on him 3 million times a day. You need to have that understanding with your sitter. It is an imperative until you can assess things, and solidify it in your own mind. THe Baby ESP will be a god send. Its in your nature to worry. It takes time to build up the trust in a babysitter so you can feel confident. (Dena, at my work, calls her babysitter every morning to check on the kids, and at lunch..its the arrangement they have worked out and it gives her confidence to get through the day....you will find a rhythm that works for you.
(to be cont....I can only have 4,096 characters)
and now the rest....
ReplyDelete5) If you can....have the babysitter come and spend the day with you ahead of time, so they are able to see how he plays and moves, see what you do when you feed him, see his sleep routine. Give Liam a chance to hear their voice, see their face, see both of your faces together. Its when they don't recognize someone that they get scared. Its not an unreasonable request. You have the dog sitter come over to meet Chancey before they actually take care of him... why? to get their sent, to see how he reacts to them, to hear their voice, to see you with this person, why? So he doesn't see them as a threat or someone to fear.
6) you will want to over compensate to "make up" for the time away while you were being such a bad mother working...lol...don't....it doesn't make them love you anymore. It helps you alleviate the guilt you will pile on yourself, but Liam won't know the difference. For all he knows you left the room for a few minutes and is always so happy to see you again. Things and extras are necessary, just you, and your loving face.
7) This might be the perfect time to do this, rather than when he is older, because this will be just another part of his daily routine. When he is older he will be even more dependent on you for his daily routine, and harder to break away from it. Right now, he may fuss the first few times, but handled calmly he will be like "ok...today its Miss____.....oh boy more kinds of fun". YOU set the tone, he will feed off your vibes.
8) the decisions you are making will not stop at a babysitter. You will be making these "monumental" decisions for him for may years to come. There's NEVER a right or wrong answer, it is what it is. It is what you make of it. Its what you and Seany feel is right.
9)yes, you will be exhausted, especially while you are learning your new job. It is what it is. You know its going to happen, so you mentally prepare for it, and treat coming home like Seany does. Its his family, its play time, and you get to shut the world outside while you bask in it. You and Seany have always been very, very good at sensing the needs of each other, why would this be any different. You keep each other going. So the house doesn't get spic and span clean, and you might have to really start working the crock pot and the casserole dishes so you don't have to cook every night of the week, but you will both making a joint effort to relieve the financial stress. The burden is lighter when shared by two...or something like that.
Unfortunately Court, just as it was for me, finances are a driving force. The economy has not been kind in that way. You have some significant dreams you are both wanting to accomplish in this next year, its going to take both of you contributing to achieve them. Once you make that decision, whatever follows will find a way to fall into place, even the babysitter.
Be patient and kind with yourselves. This is a hard process, and beating yourself up with guilt is going to wreck that awesome vibe you have in your house all the time. Its all about finding YOUR family balance.
(I put my feeler out to Dr. Poz, since she IS a Pediatric doc with twins of her own, to see if she has any recommendations)
Even the life you and I had while you were growing up...I think you turned out alright...I am sooooo freaking proud of you and your tiny family!!! luv u!