Struggles? Nah...not us.

Dear Monster,

   You have been through so very much in your short little life. Every once in a while I get frustrated because of how slowly I feel like things are going in your development. Your development is completely normal for a preemie but sometimes it feels like things just draaaaaag. When these days happen I flip through all of your baby pictures and each and every time I am just astounded at how much you've grown and how many steps you've taken in such a short amount of time. You're kicking butt little man!
~~~

Hello readers! Today I'm enjoying a day off which will be few and far between in the the coming weeks. So, I'm sitting with my Monster, catching up on some shows that I've missed, and making myself some leftover spaghetti. My plan for today? NOTHING! Fantastic, yes?

Anyway, I'm writing today because one of my fellow Mommys on CafeMom asked me a question recently. I was asked to fill out a form for their "Mommy Monday" for one of the groups that I'm a part of. It asked questions about Liam and when he was born and I filled it out with his preemie information. One of the moms was SO curious about preemies! She asked so many questions and was grateful for all of the information that I was able to give her. The question that really stuck with me was, "What are the struggles that you have gone through with a preemie that you wouldn't have if he was born on schedule?". The only answer I could give her was, "I honestly don't know."

Sean and I talk about this a lot. Obviously, we had never dealt with a premature child before, or ANY child for that matter! Everything that we have been through with Liam has just seemed like...oh, I don't know how to describe it. I has just been what we had to do, and what we had to do next, and next, and next, and next. Nothing has really seemed strange or different to us because we have no reference point for any of this. When we talk to other new parents it's a shock for us to hear that every baby didn't have to stay in the NICU for so long or that every child isn't just automatically sent home on oxygen. So, after talking with a couple of friends about their "normal" baby experiences, I have a better reference point and I have been able to recognize some of the struggles we have been through.

Having a child in the NICU is like adopting a puppy then having to just sit around during the waiting period while they review your pet ownership history and make sure that you're an okay owner. Having to walk away from the hospital and my child once I was discharged was one of the most painful moments of this entire experience. Having to trust the staff with my child that I had barely gotten to spend any time with and hardly gotten to know or bond with was...some kind of awful. We went back to the NICU every day, twice a day. We got so many pictures it was a little ridiculous. We knew his medication schedule, what tests were being ran which days, who his nurses were and their history with the hospital, his weight, his height. We knew everything! But every night, we had to walk away. Awful. Just awful. This was our biggest struggle. There was feeding through an NG tube (a tube that goes through his nose and into his stomach so that he could be fed) then a bottle, healing the hole in his heart, blood draws, testing, physical therapy, medications out the wazoo, oxygen levels and respirations that just never wanted to line up, beeping...always beeping, first baths, first outfits, first visits, first sounds, cuddles, family visits, and eventually, car seat testing and infant CPR classes. All of this while he was in his tiny incubator. Every time we touched him it had to be with sterile hands. I remember being frustrated because the foam stuff would make my hands cold and I didn't want to touch him with cold hands. They weren't joking when they told us in the video, and later in person, that there would be good days and bad days. Liam would make amazing and astounding progress one day then we would come into him struggling with even the simplest of things the next day. Such an intense mind warp! We learned to not really get worked up or excited about things like being able to stop medications, pulling his NG tube, or removing IVs. They would tell us it would be happening tomorrow, then something would happen and we weren't able to move forward with that step. We learned to just enjoy our little man and not make any assumptions or big goals. I didn't realize that the excitement of development was something that we normal other parents and was something that was taken away from until much later. The worst part was that every single time we went into the NICU it was like we were being tested. Like we were being watched to see if we were going to be good parents. This is kind of a double edged sword. You definitely need to be a different kind of parent when you have a premature baby and it is important that educated people have a chance to teach you and hold your hand through some of the things then monitor you as you learn and start doing things on your own. It is awful because we truly felt that if we did even one thing wrong, we were judged unworthy or incapable. Most parents don't have to deal with this scrutiny and judgement. I felt like I was auditioning to be my son's mother. Not pleasant. But, apparently, we passed because......

....Eventually we were actually able to bring Liam home! INSANE! We were convinced when we went in that morning that something new was going to come up and we wouldn't be able to bring him home. But we did. He came home on Oxygen, Iron, and Prevacid. He was on Similac's NeoSure formula (the MOST expensive formula EVER!). We had a nurse come to our home to give him his RSV vaccines once a month for 5 months (each of these injections costing around $1,200). He was taken to his Pediatrician's office once every other week or once a week to recheck his SpO2 to see if he still needed the oxygen. We had a physical therapist coming to the house to test him and make sure that he was on track developmentally. We were advised to not take him outside often or have many people over to the house. For the first month that we were home we were completely overwhelmed and trapped! During this time, Liam continued to struggle with his acid reflux. He couldn't sleep flat. So, Sean or I had to either hold him or watch him while he slept in his car seat, bouncer, or swing. Life was NOT wonderful. I spent a lot of this time reminding myself that at least he was home, happy, and healthy!

Liam is now almost 8 months old (5 1/2 months adjusted)! He is off of oxygen and all medications. He is still on Similac's NeoSure formula but he is now down to the 22 calorie mixture instead of the 26 calorie. He eats solid foods, rolls, sits while assisted, scream talks, loves standing while assisted, remembers some people's faces, smiles, has separation anxiety, loves Legos, is teething, and is about 2 seconds from crawling. He is still a very small baby. He is only on the 10th percentile for weight and the 15th percentile for height...and that's on the preemie scale! He's still not even on the percentile chart for normal kiddos. He has made such amazing progress and every time I look at him I am just in awe. His strength is so freaking inspiring for me! He's my hero and he's only 8 months old! :D

The last question that the fellow Mom asked me was if I felt anger or resentment at the entire situation. I hadn't until I really sat down and thought about everything my tiny little monster had been through. I'm upset that he had to go through any of this! He deserved to just pop out and start his life like a normal baby. He shouldn't have had to work so hard during the first months of his life. I believe it will make him a stronger person but, man, it kills me. I wouldn't wish that beginning on anyone. I'm a little resentful of my own body for not being able to support him as long as he needed but that's something I am always working on. I just keep reminding myself that there was nothing I could have done differently. I did everything I could from the cerclage to the bed rest to the NICU stay. Sean and I focus on the triumphs and forget the struggles because, until it was brought to our attention we really didn't realize how difficult things had been for our tiny family. So, we choose our attitude and move forward with hope and optimism! After all, things could have turned out much much worse.

Have you ever gone through something that had a large impact on you, but you didn't realize it until after you had trudged through it? What was it? How did it effect you?

I think that's it for me today. Time to go curl up with my baby boy and wait for Dad to get home. Sean had his motorcycle repaired this week so I'm sure he is going to want some "Man and his Motorcycle" time when he gets home. I'll post some pictures later this week. :) Happy Friday Everyone!

Vacation Adventures!

Dear Monster,

   You went on your first big trip this last week! You did SO SO SO well! You smiled at everyone, you were calm when we visited people, you continued to sleep through the night the whole week, and you didn't mind that you were put into and taken out of your car seat about a million times throughout the week! Your Daddy and I were so proud. We can't wait to take another trip this summer.
~~~

Hello readers! WE'RE BACK! We are finally back after a week long vacation to our home town and we are spending the day relaxing, doing some laundry, and catching up on some much needed housework. We were a little nervous about this vacation because it would be the longest that Liam was away from his home, the longest we had ever had to pack for with a baby, and it would involve more stimulation than Liam had ever had! So much to think about and prepare for! We over packed, over prepared, and over thought EVERYTHING! We panicked and freaked out then we calmed ourselves down and finally convinced ourselves that we were going to be just fine. Anything that we forgot or anything new that we found out he needed, we could buy. He would be surrounded by people he loves. Everything would be fine. Alright. So we headed out for a 4 hour trip over the mountains!

The first surprise for us on this trip was how well Liam did going over the mountains! We have heard horror stories of children having such a hard time with their ears and tummies that we were on edge the whole way over...just waiting for the bottom to fall out. Liam did AMAZING! He slept the entire time. The only reason we knew he may be a little uncomfortable was that he would make a little sound and bring his hand to his ear while he was sleeping. I'd give him his binky and everything was all better. What an angel! He did this BOTH WAYS! Our little man loves his car seat and he loves to sleep. Even when he wasn't sleeping he was just looking out the window and playing with his vibrating cow that hangs from the handle of his car seat.

The next 6 days were just full of wonderful surprises. Liam continued to sleep through the night the entire trip, even when his Auntie Angela took him into her room for the night so that Sean and I could sleep in the next morning. He woke up with her, ate well, played a little, then went back to sleep. When we visited the beautiful homes of friends and family he would eat, say a hearty hello to everyone, then fall asleep for a while. We got a variety of compliments on how calm and sociable he was. He would always give a little smile, grab facial features, pull hair, talk, then move onto the next person. After each visit we would let out a sigh of relief because throughout every new encounter and at every new place we were just waiting for this to be the time that Liam just lost his mind! It never happened! How is this possible?

During Liam's visits with our friends and family he got to meet and interact with different ages of children and, because of this, his development skyrocketed! He started banging toys against surfaces to find out what kind of noises he could make, he brought his feet to this mouth by himself, he sat up straighter and longer than ever before, he rolled from his tummy to his back on purpose. He just blossomed! We couldn't believe it. We got to watch such big parts of his tiny personality come out and it was such an amazing thing for Sean and I. We were in parenthood heaven!

This trip was a great life stage defining time for Sean and I. We have grown up with most of the people that we visited during this trip. We've been through good times and bad. We've seen them as children, teenagers, adults, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, and husbands. All of these stages have been so much fun to be a part of but man...parenthood just looks good on everyone! Watching some of our best friends make meals, change diapers, play games, cuddle, and just be parents in general was just awe-inspiring. Sean and I absorbed every itty bitty piece of knowledge that we could from everyone! We observed and learned, and will now wait patiently until it is our turn for the terrible twos, the monster threes, the independent sixes, and (God help us) the horrific teens. We got the opportunity to see so many amazing parents and we hope we will be even half as good as they are. Half as patient, kind, understanding, and flexible. Half as fun-loving, confident, courageous, and open-minded. If we are even just half, we are going to be pretty darn good. 

Overall it was just a wonderful trip! It was full of love, kindness, friendship, and family. We can't wait to head back over the mountains for another visit but for now we're gonna curl up in our nook here in Denver, enjoy our little family, and look forward to so many wonderful days to come!

Hanging out with Uncle David, looking cool.

Saying hello to Grandma Feuerborn

Big smiles for Grandpa Feuerborn

Loving on Aunt Lory!

First time trying a small amount of Cherry 7Up. He's a pretty big fan.

Meeting Aunt Marjie!

Picking his presents at his GJ Baby Shower

Like father like son. <3

Meeting Miss Tiffany!

Explaining the facts of life to Jonathan

Crashed out Mom and Monster

Family BBQ day!

Conversing with Auntie Angela

Sharing his rattles

A book before bed

Discovering that his foot CAN reach his mouth!

Pregnancy and Birth Story

Dear Monster,

   Things have certainly changed for our tiny family lately. I went back to work full-time, you grow like a freaking weed each day, and Daddy is your most favorite person in the whole world! I love watching you grow but sometimes this whole "being a parent" thing is a little intense. You make it all worth it, though, when you roll over, scream-talk, or mimic little facial movements and sounds that Daddy and I make. Life with you gets more interesting everyday.
~~~
*Fore-Note: This is a pretty long blog! There are some medical terms and descriptions used throughout it. I put some links in to help further define some of them. Hope it helps and I hope you get something out of today's very personal blog.

Hello readers! I'll start off by thanking you for your patience with me during this big ol' life change that we are going through as a family. Life is pretty intense right now between Liam hitting some GIANT developmental stages, both Sean and I working full-time, family visiting, and planning for our trip this coming week. So, again, thank you my ever faithful readers!

We recently went through a frustrating time with Liam where he would cry and refuse to eat his solids. As of today we figured out that Liam is frustrated because he wants to feed himself. Us feeding him is just beyond his tolerance right now. Ha ha ha. So, we are currently working with him on grabbing and bringing the spoon to his mouth...our main issue being that Liam tends to aim for his nose or chin. Not helpful. ;) A little update on him: He is now in size 3 diapers! This is absolutely mind-boggling for us. He is getting so massive! Every time I see those giant diapers I can't help but remember having to fold the preemie diapers in half and still having them seem huge on his 2lb body. He is starting to make "B" sounds. Bababababa...bebebebebe...bubububububu. So great to listen to. He is also testing the sheer strength and power of his vocal cords. It is quite surprising how loud this child can get. We're having to plan for summer fun with him so Grandma had fun buying him swim diapers, swim suits, sunglasses, and summer wear in general! He has a big summer ahead of him. At his most recent Physical Therapy appointment we were told that he is still on track for a 5 month old. Doing fantastic. No red flags or concerns coming from his therapist so things are going very well on that end. That about wraps him up. We're attempting to plan for our upcoming week long trip with him. Getting pretty intense as we get down to the last few days of planning!

As for me and today's blog...well, we're back-tracking to my statement that I made in one of my first few blogs regarding my birth story. I've been looking forward to this one for a while. The story is long and hails back to the very beginning of my pregnancy so I will try to make it as short and sweet as possible.

I'll start off by explaining my original "birth plan". Your OB-GYN tells you to start creating a birth plan from the first moment that you find out that you're pregnant. So, after 2 years of attempting to get pregnant, when we finally found out it was actually happening, I became a crazy pregnant woman. I did all kinds of research and minute-to-minute planning. The basic plan being: (1) Arrive at Lutheran Medical Center's Labor & Delivery Department (2) Wait until the very first moment that I was allowed to have an epidural (3) Get said epidural (4) Enjoy the birth process from a numb and lovely perspective while my family and friends surround me with love and comfort (5) Hold my brand new baby on my chest for the first time while he cries his first cries and they suck all of the gunk out of his nose and mouth (6) Enjoy 4 full days of semi-consciousness while I heal (5) Arrive at home with my brand new baby and my wonderful husband and start our lives together as a brand new family. Alas, this wonderful plan was not meant to be.

The beginning of the end started with our very first OB-GYN appointment when I was informed that I have a bicornate uterus. Because of this, I was immediately marked as a "High Risk Pregnancy". In the upcoming appointments, the classification of my pregnancy would change from "High Risk" to "First Pregnancy" only once...and it was right back to "High Risk" within a week. Due to my pregnancy classification, I was put on light duty at work. Light duty at my job as a Veterinary Technician basically consists of helping with 5lb chihuahuas and front desk duties while sitting on a rolling stool. NOT. FUN. Around my 2nd month of pregnancy, I was diagnosed with placenta previa. Awesome. Lots of bleeding and panicking and getting ready to lose my baby at any given moment. Again...NOT. FUN. After a month or so, the placenta previa stabilized and my OB-GYN recommended that we go see a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist to check for birth defects in my baby. We arrived at our first specialist appointment, found out everything was great with our little Bean, but everything with me was NOT. Turns out that I have an incompetent cervix. My cervix had thinned to 2mm. To give you an idea, my cervix was suppose to be about 3cm thick. At this point, we got to see what panic in a specialist's face looks like. Not something I ever want to experience again. I was raced to an emergency clinic where I had a cerclage applied and I was immediately put on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. This happened in June. I was due October 30th. This meant that I had 4 1/2 months of sitting in one spot with small trips to the bathroom for showers and restroom breaks to look forward to. Oh goodie. While all of this was happening, I was constantly nauseous and emotional to the EXTREME! They put me on a "lovely" medication called Zofran. This was to help with the nausea. It did not. It gave me intense migraines which made me see static and caused my face and fingers to go numb. For this, I had to see a Neurologist. I was told to drink more water. *sigh* I hate drinking water! So, I upped the water intake by about a million gallons a day. The static and numbness improved. Things were looking up. At this point, I was getting ultrasounds once a week and we eventually found out that we were having a boy! Yes! We had wanted a boy! This is when my pregnancy was upgraded from "High Risk" to "First Pregnancy". We thought we were on the upswing. We were so, so wrong.

On August 16th, I went in for a regular recheck with my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. She noted that Liam's head was growing GREAT but the rest of his body was not...at all. So, she set me up for a regular ol' stress test. This involved attaching a couple of monitors to my tummy and watching Liam while I sat around for a couple of hours. We figured it would be a quick in and out. Once again, we were wrong. Turns out I was having contractions. Not the painful but normal Braxton Hicks Contractions. No no no...the real contractions that would normally indicate that Liam was ready to be born. He wasn't. I was at 28 1/2 weeks. Liam was BARELY at viability. By like a day. So, Dr. Day (my Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor) comes down to inform me that bed rest at home just wasn't cutting it. Time to move onto hospitalized bed rest. I would be living in the hospital until it was time for Liam to grace us with his presence. We booked me a suite in the Ante-Partum wing of the hospital and I set up shop. During this time I communicated with other Mommies that were in that wing by sending notes back and forth through the nursing staff, I ate 3 square meals a day, was "prescribed" a daily hot tub treatment (felt FANTASTIC with my big ol' tummy), was visited by family, friends, and co-workers, and watched a LOT of daytime television. My Mom and Sean stayed with me when they could but there were times when they just couldn't. It was lonely and boring and awful. I stayed positive and got along well with the nurses and doctors, made sure I was on top of the medications that I was suppose to be taking, and did my best to make the best of a crappy situation. On August 21st, I noticed that my feet were swollen. I attributed it to living on my left side in a hospital bed for a week. My doctors did not. I did a urine protein test (one of the most humiliating moments in my life) and it turned out that I was knees deep in a case of pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was retaining water like it was my job. On August 23rd, about an hour after submitting my urine protein test, the nurse came into my room and informed me that I had severe pre-eclampsia, that they had booked a room for me in Labor and Delivery, and that they would be inducing me within the hour.

WHAT!?! All I had been dreaming about was getting Liam out of me someday. It was, literally, all I thought and talked about. But...NOW??? Right now???? No. I can wait. I'm not ready. He's not ready. We're not ready. I can hang out with my pre-eclampsia for a while. I don't mind watching boring television for another week or two...or five. Suddenly, I was scared out of my mind. I called my husband first. I did NOT get the freaked out response that I wanted. So I called my Mom. She was on her way shortly. Called my mother-in-law. She sent her love and prayers. Called my best friends. They sent their love and comfort. Then I sat down and cried. I was HORRIFIED. I was ALONE. Insert my favorite Ante-Partum nurse. She helped me move all of my important things onto a cart and helped me get down to Labor and Delivery. Insert my husband and mother. Insert the horrific medication called Magnesium Sulfate. I was put on this so that I wouldn't have any seizures due to my pre-eclampsia. This is the worst medication EVER. It makes you feel like you have a fever and a sunburn in the deep south in the middle of the summer all at the same time. I felt like I had the worst flu to ever hit the planet Earth.

This is when it all gets very blurry for me. I only remember people popping in and out of my room, snippits of conversations, some of the questions the doctors asked me during the procedure and some of my thoughts throughout this whole period. So, I will try to explain the best I can. Stay with me here.

The plan at this point was the pull my cerclage and induce me. I was going to try to actually give birth to my son. I was excited but nervous. They had Sean and I watching all of the videos and reading all of the books. Meanwhile my doctor was saying things like, "He may not be strong enough to work his way out.", "The cord may be wrapped around his neck.", "We should probably just do this by C-Section.", "We need to make a decision soon." I told them that I wanted an epidural if I was going to try to push a football out of my body. Even a very small football. They said that if I was going to do that I might as well just have a C-Section. If we're going to a C-Section we might as well just do a spinal (shorter acting, less painful, easier on the anesthesiologist). We attempted to pull the cerclage. Too painful. Time was getting too tight. Time to make a decision. Time was out. Emergency C-Section. They had me take the antacids in preparation for the C-Section. These made me FREAK OUT. I was, literally, told that one of them would make me panic. They asked if I wanted any medication to help with this. No, I wanted to try this with as little extra medication as possible. Insert restless panic. Insert anesthesiologist with the spinal. Time for surgery. COMPLETE PANIC. I had no control over this panic. I could NOT keep myself together physically or mentally. I can't even describe this feeling. The surgery room was freezing (for sterility purposes). My mind would not slow down. Everything felt wrong. There's my husband. He gives the go ahead for the meds to calm me the f*** down because I just kept saying I was fine. I was NOT fine. The meds settle in and everything is fuzzy and wonderful.

"Courtney, can you feel this?" No.  

"Making the incision."

Okay. I'll just chill here. Why are my hands tied to this table? GAH! I wish it wasn't so bright.

"Courtney, can you feel this?" No. What is this giant blue drape here for? My mouth feels funky. I wonder if I could wiggle my toes. Nope.

"Courtney, can you feel this?" No.

"How are you breathing?" Fine. 

"Opening the uterus. WOA! There's an arm." (Liam's Rock & Roll fist was the first thing out.) A fist? What the hell? Oh yeah. Baby. Focus Courtney.

"Cord is wrapped around the neck. OH! He's peeing..." AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! He pee'd on the doctor.

"It's definitely a boy." Damn straight it is. My handsome little boy.

"Courtney, can you feel this?" No. (Liam crying) Didn't they say he wouldn't cry? There's my husband. Why is my face wet? I'm crying. Oh good, Sean is too.

"Babe, go see the baby! Get a picture." He better take some kick ass pictures.  

"Sean, do you want to see the inside of your wife's uterus?" NO!!! No no no no no no no no no.... 

"NO!" Why would he even ask that?? Awful. Just awful. 

"Closing the incision." Finally. I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just close my eyes really quick.

"Courtney, can you feel this?" No.

I don't remember being wheeled back into the labor and delivery room. The next 18 hours were filled with vomiting every 2 hours like freaking clock work. I was kept on the Magnesium Sulfate so that I didn't have a seizure while my body was recovering from the pre-eclampsia. The room was at 60 degrees, I had wet wash cloths (that were on a constant rotation in and out of the freezer) on my forehead, and a giant fan on me at all times and I still felt like I was in Kentucky in the middle of August. For my own personal reasons I didn't want to use the Morphine very much. I only used it when the pain was absolutely unbearable. In my entire 18 hour post op stay in Labor and Delivery, I only used 1.8mL of morphine. I still itched like a fool! Attempting to stand was the single most painful experience of my entire life. I couldn't do it the first time. It killed me. I couldn't go see my son until I could stand. I was trapped! I don't remember how long it was before I tried again. But I did, and I would NOT be denied this time. I stood long enough to get to my freaking wheelchair, then it was onto the NICU.

The first time I saw my son, I was drugged. It was awful. The first time I held him, I couldn't even hold my head up long enough to enjoy it. I remember crying. Then being back in my room. The next four days are a blur of moving to the post-partum recovery wing, people visiting, going to see my son as much as I could, eating, pumping, and pain.

This was not my birth plan. This was the opposite of my birth plan. This was a nightmare.

My Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor told me that I could go through a sort of mourning process. Basically, as women we are told to dream wonderful dreams about pregnancy and birth. We're told that it will be painful and that it may all go wrong but we are told to hope for the best and that, in the end, it will be one of the most wonderful and defining moments in our lives. She told me that I would go through a mourning for the loss of that dream experience. She was right. For a very long time I felt guilt for not being able to support my child like I should have. I was angry at myself and at the world for never telling me how bad things could get. I was overwhelmingly sad for my poor son who had to work so much harder that he should ever have had to. With the help of friends, family, my husband, my son, and the wonderful women at CafeMom, I have been able to work passed a lot of these irrational and overwhelming feelings. Things are better now. My son is happy and healthy. My little family is stable and well on it's way to a wonderful future. Things are good. However, it is still a very large surprise to me that the scar from all of these experiences and feelings is still present. Still healing. It is something that has changed how I see the world and how I experience things from day to day. I try to think of it in a positive light but sometimes it is still overwhelming.

I can't really leave things on a super happy note tonight readers. I'm going to go curl up with my family and enjoy the fact that we are all here, happy, and healthy. Thanks for sticking with me for this long story. I'd love to know if you've got feedback, if you've had your own "changed how I see the world" moment, how you dealt with said moment, and how you've changed into the person you are today.

Goodnight all!