I love you son. I REALLY do. But all of the things that are involved in raising you can truly be exhausting sometimes. Just exhausting.
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"There are times when parenthood seems like nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you."
-Peter De Vries
This week has been one of those weeks. Not that Liam is actually biting me but, no matter what I do, something else goes wrong! I just can't seem to get to the top of this mountain. But, I've heard that there is no top to this mountain called Parenthood so I'm going to try to stay positive while climbing. :) But first...how about some good old-fashioned venting?
Let's start at the beginning shall we? Separation Anxiety. Pediatricians, Child Psychologists, and Infant Physical Therapists will tell you that it is a normal developmental stage. That it normally starts around six months of age and will continue until they are around one year old. It consists of your child slowly remembering your face and recognizing that you provide for them and that the things you provide for them make them happy...then it sets in that you leave them for short bursts of time. This comes with the realization that for that short burst of time you are not there to entertain, feed, or hold them. This does NOT make for a happy baby and MAN do they let you know about it! Liam's Physical Therapist was especially happy when she saw that he hit this stage. Mommy is not quite as excited. I have not been able to put this child down. AT ALL! When I do, within one minute, I have a sniffling, fussing, and sometimes full-on crying baby. If I am not in his face playing, feeding, burping, cuddling, or just generally talking to him, there is trouble. I'm not talking about setting him down and leaving the room for several hours or ignoring him for extended periods of time. I'm talking, "Mommy needs to pee...please don't cry...please just don't...(insert Liam crying)...DANG IT!". This is insanity! He lets Daddy play video games, make lunch, mix bottles, do chores, etc., but I try ONE thing and it is the END of the world. *sigh* I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. This too shall pass...................this too shall pass. Please...?
Moving right along to constipation. I mean, REALLY?? It happens to 90% of babies who are in the process of introducing or full on switching to solid foods and NO ONE TOLD ME??? NO ONE?? Not one person was like, "Hey, it's gonna happen. Throw a little extra fiber in his diet and you'll be a-okay."? Instead I have to find out post-constipation when it is a long and ridiculous road back to regulation for Liam? Gah! We have been struggling through his constipation for WEEKS! And because he was gun shy about gas pain and general constipation discomfort he went from eating 6oz at every feeding to barely forcing himself to eat 3oz at every feeding. This is NOT OKAY for a child who needs each and every ounce so that he can squeak by on his growth percentiles. So, after speaking with Liam's Pediatrician and a fellow Mommy at work who told me that her daughter had chronic constipation issues, we went out to Target (WOO!) and bought some Target brand Metamucil which we will be mixing in with his formula and solid foods. So, now we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. Our poor Monster. :(
How about some Nanny issues? I've got those too! After talking, talking, talking, debating, debating, debating, and going over and over our budget, we decided that I should go back to work full-time and that we should hire a Nanny. Then after crying and talking more and apologizing to Liam and going back and forth and back and forth about our "final" decision I finally asked around for help with finding a Nanny and, though so many wonderful people made such valiant efforts on our behalf, we ended up needing to go onto Care.com. For those of you that have never heard of this site, it is fantastic! You can find all different levels of care providers, post your profile as either needing a care provider or being a care provider, and browse profiles of people who show interest in helping you by sending you a message. Then, after paying a hefty $45/month, you can message back and forth with employees or employers, check basic level background checks and reviews, and eventually connect with someone you think would be right for you or your family. We thought we had found that person in, let's call her, "Jane". "Jane" was an energetic, bouncy, enthusiastic college student who had open availability and a willingness to learn. We did an interview with her, she seemed very pleasant, said that the pay and hours would be lovely, and stated that she was ready to start asap! Wonderful! Well, here comes her first training day and the first thing she says to my husband is, "After reassessing everything, I won't be able to stay here in Lakewood after May. I will be moving back to Longmont." REALLY???? On her profile she states that her expected pay scale is from $5-10/hr and that she would be fine with part time. We were planning on paying her on the higher end of that scale and giving her up to 40 hours every 2 weeks! WTF? Maybe you should change your requirements on your profile and assess your situation BEFORE your first day of training...?? But whatever. So we start panicking but we continue to pay and train "Jane" just in case we weren't able to find someone right away. Then, BAM, welcome to our world Miss Candice! She loves Liam, she shares our same values and beliefs on raising children, she has a 100% open schedule, and she loves Ninja Turtles...I mean, come on. I guess everything happens for a reason and "Jane" can just go..........be somewhere else. ;)
Oh the whole wide world of things that they NEVER warn you about when they decide to write those stupid parenting books. Like how even though Liam will cry and fuss at me ALL day, if he smiles just once I forget everything and somehow am able to smile right back. Or how your whole life will brighten up when your child finally starts feeling better after being sick or uncomfortable. They definitely don't tell you about the emotional roller coaster that is involved with leaving your child with someone that is still (even after background checks, interviews, and training days), technically, a stranger (and hoping the entire time that they are not currently crossing the American-Mexican border with your child). Sean and I are going to write our own book on parenting, The Lies Called Pregnancy and Parenting.
That's it for me tonight readers. Sorry about the rants. It has been such a frustrating week and I think I just need a nap and a glass of wine. ;) Happy Friday to everyone!
*** Since we both had awful weeks and dealt with them like the awesome woman warriors that we are, I thought I'd send some major props to my good friend, Miss Alyssa, over at In The Land of Lou. Read through her blog Perspective. That woman has WAY more positive mind power than I. Much love. :::chest pound, weird hand symbol, kiss the "peace sign" fingers, point to the sky:::
I understand the baby constipation thing, and I would have shared some of these tidbits with you...but haven't asked....and I try to give you your space.
ReplyDeleteSeparation anxiety... I remember you....over a year and a 1/2 old...in this phase....I was on my way to being a single parent, so I was pretty stressed out as it was. I firmly believe that the babies can sense and react to that. Seany isn't tense, so Liam isn't. You are a mom, that makes you naturally tense. Anyway I could not put you down for nothing. I was sure I was a horrible parent but I was losing my mind (or so it felt like it) and I needed just a few minutes of relief or you would have been a shaken baby (handling things on your own sucks), so I abruptly packed you in the car, took you to Aunt Pams, and tearfully said "Please...just....take....her" Of course she did, and she sent me on the way out the door. With tears in my eyes because of what a horrible mother I was because I could not find anything left in my exhausted self to care for my daughter....I left, I think I was gone for about 2 hours. I don't know what I did, except drive around and cry. When I pulled myself to some sort of mediocre state I went back to Aunt Pams house, and as I was walking up the path I could hear you screaming like you were when i left.
Its awful to walk in and see your child in complete distress, tears rolling down her little cheeks, and when she sees you does the smiling-crying-sniffle-sob-hiccup-arms-in-the-air-pick-me-up thing. I asked Aunt Pam if you just started up again, and she said "nope, it went on the whole time you were gone". Now Aunt Pam is an angel, and she didn't just leave you in the playpen and stare at you, she held you and rocked you, talked to you, Chris and Cody tried to help you. They had five children and the youngest were twins just a couple months older than Court. Pam was immune to the separation anxiety and just let it play itself out. It was nice to have the break but it just felt awful to feel inadequate. WHO was it that LET me be this mother????
Separation anxiety is hard....I won't inundate you with more advice as I am sure you are getting plenty...you just have to have patience, and understand the tiny man's learning his boundaries, where he begins and ends and now learning you are not an extension of his own body, but wants you BACK that way. You have to help instill confidence in his ability to be without you, tiny step by tiny step.
Its funny, Separation anxiety works in reverse when you get older and goes from parent to child instead of child to parent...kind of sad.
Its hard not to beat yourself up and feel lousy, but you are such a fantastic mommy, and Liam couldn't be loved more than what you give him. He is soooooo blessed with two loving, caring parents. He will figure things out.
You are doing fine. Luv u