What "Care Giver" Has Cost Me

Dear Monster,

      I think it's about time that we just let you be a little kid. You've been a patient and a concern and a talking point for much of your life. You coming into this world was the worst scare your father and I have ever had but you're okay. You're just fine. We need to appreciate just how fine you are and let you be a kid for a while. Enjoy! When High School comes around I'm gonna go crazy again! hahaha
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Readers! Hello again! I hope everything is pleasant and peaceful in your lives today. As for us, we are planning a birthday! That's right. The Monster will be three years old in 7 DAYS! Say whaaaaa? In the past we have done a Star Wars Baby Shower, a Rock and Roll first Birthday, and a Ninja Turtle second Birthday. I both love and hate planning these parties. Each year the guest list gets smaller (as it should), and each year I get my committee together, blow up the dollar store, and smash a party together. This year, the theme is The Magic School Bus! My son is absolutely head over heals in love with this show right now so we're gonna make it work. Creativity and lots of food dye will be happening in my house soon.

Back on topic. As I was running through my birthday lists and eating up every ounce of Pinterest, I got a message from a friend. This friend asked what I was planning for The Monster's 3rd birthday and offered any help I might need. The offer came in this form: "Let me know if you need any help. Gotta go big or go home! You only get to do one 3rd birthday!"

Now, this was said with only the very best of intentions and kindness but I tend to the dramatic and over-thinking side of life (hahaha). So, as per my usual, I tore this comment apart and, therefore, tore myself apart.

I absolutely hate that moment when you have a beautiful coming of age realization that changes how you see everything in your life....but it comes too late. Too late did I realize that his first birthday was the only first birthday I would ever plan. His first tooth was the only first tooth that I would get to see burst from my child's poor, swollen gum line. His first haircut was the only first haircut he would ever have. I didn't savor, indulge, or wallow in any of these moments. I watched, took pictures, and moved onto the next moment.

This "Next, Next, Next" kind of mindset has a lot to do with how my Monster came into this world. There were just so very many problems to worry about that there was no time to sit and panic and be sad about every single one of them. No time to wallow in self pity or lament over the why why why! Each new bit of terrible information was given, received, processed, and moved passed. The first 6 months of his life was spent in physical therapy and hospitals making sure he was meeting developmental milestones and oxygen levels. I couldn't even tell you when he first rolled over. I'd have to consult the paperwork from his PT appointments. I don't remember at what age he got his first tooth. I'd have to look at his paperwork from his doctor appointment. It seems that the first few years of his life, both before and after he was born, were filled with doctors, nurses, physical therapy, vaccines, and surgeries and we, as a family, have just had to carry on.

So, here I am. Planning the one and only third birthday for my one and only child. Here I am, looking back, devastated, that more time wasn't taken and more care wasn't given to truly enjoying and soaking in every second of these milestones. How do I make up for the fact that I am probably the only mother in the history of mothers that has no idea at what age her son first tried solid food?

As I see it, I can cry for moments missed and forgotten or I can pick up our little family by the boot straps and start making true memories. I'm talking first of school cry sessions, first cavity complaining sessions, first heartbreak "romance movie with ice cream" sessions. I'm talking about putting my phone down, saying "screw it" to milestones, and thriving with my family. I honestly can't remember a time when I haven't been worried about my son. I've never just watched him grow and enjoyed myself without the nagging thoughts in the back of my head about development, health, well being, medications, and general distress. So, how does one start to shut that off?

How about just checking in with my family?

Well, I did just that. And you know what? We're doing just fine. Strange, I know. In this world gone crazy, my family is doing just fine.

Huh. :::walks around the house, looking for things to fix and finding none:::

So, I guess all that is left is to relax and start enjoying my family. I've been a panicked hot mess in the corner for entirely too many of those beautiful, bonding family moments I keep hearing about.

Well, no more. My son is fine. My family is fine.

We only get one chance at this so I'm gonna get my "Liam is #1" signs ready, prep for the "Mom you're embarrassing me" talk, and start being a MOM instead of a care provider.

Wish me luck! I'm stubborn as hell and I don't like change so this could take quite some time.